Hoping to Adopt

Hi there we are Shane, Kaitlyn, and Lucy. Our family is very excited to add to our family once again through adoption. Lucy can’t wait to become a big sister and we know she is going to make a great one. We’d love it if you would take some time getting to know us a little.

Shane and I have been married since summer of 2012. Lucy girl joined our family April of 2016 through the miracle of adoption. We live in a small community in southern Utah right up against the beautiful Abajo Mountains with the surrounding areas being the majestic red rock country. As a family we spend a lot of time outdoors camping, fishing, hiking, four-wheeling and exploring where we live.

We also love to play games together and are very competitive with each other. We are a very religious family and believe that it is important to keep God at the center of our lives. We have one fantastic dog, Autumn, our Goldendoodle. Autumn is amazing with babies and children and has become one of Lucy’s best friends. She will sleep in Lucy’s room with her. Pizza and tacos are a staple at our house, but who isn’t in love with pizza and tacos? 🙂

Adoption is very special to us. Adoption is how we have chosen to build our family and we feel very blessed to have the opportunity to have adoption be apart of our lives. We believe in open adoption. We live close to Lucy’s birth mother and her family and love the opportunity we have to see them often. Lucy’s birth father lives further away but he is still very much a part of Lucy’s life. Open adoption to us means that we communicate often through social media, texts, calls and visits. We respect the wishes and desires of all expecting parents and their families but we hope to have a relationship with our children’s birth parents. We hope to not only have open communication but also to connect and build a friendship with them as well. Lucy’s birth family has become our family and we hope for that in the future. Below are pictures of Lucy with her birth mom and birth family.

 

Shane is a wonderful husband and father. He loves to have tea parties with Lucy and take Kaitlyn out on dates. A date to Shane can simply mean going on a walk to the post office to pick up the mail. Shane is brilliant. He is our mechanic, electrician, carpenter, and plumber. He does everything. He spends his free time hiking, hunting, and building things for his family. Shane is the oldest of 5 brothers and has two very supportive parents who love to spoil Lucy. Shane is a teacher. He teaches religion to high school students and he recently finished his Masters in Business Leadership and Administration.

One thing that everyone loves about Shane is how quirky he is. He literally can’t go anywhere quickly, between driving like a grandpa and stopping to talk to everyone. He prefers to shake people’s hands instead of hugging them and on a regular basis Shane will invite random people over to the house for dinner and will tell me as they are walking in. He is a very humble and kind man. He is always looking for ways to serve others.

I am a stay at home mother. I find great joy and fulfillment in raising Lucy and can’t wait to have another little one to love. Honesty is very important to me. When you are around me you will quickly learn that what you see is what you get. I love diversity. I am a people person and enjoy surrounding myself with friends and family. In my free time I love to learn how to cook new things, help others in their own adoption journey, and exercise. I am in no way a creative person but I do love learning how to make my house into a home and had a blast decorating our nursery. I have four siblings. My sisters are my best friends. I talk to them every day. My family is very close and we love to spend time together.
Some call me a clean freak, but I think that I just love to simplify my life and keep things organized. I love quirky people which is probably one the of the reasons why I married Shane. One thing that keeps me pushing through this adoption journey is that I have learned the importance of finding joy in the journey. I strongly believe that happiness is a choice and that I have power to make my life great.

Lucy girl is the life of the party. She is a very active toddler and is smart for her age. She loves to learn and is currently learning how to count, name colors, sing ABC’s, do puzzles, and can spell her own name. Watch out because she will talk anyone’s ears off. Lucy loves all things animals and Moana. Her favorite places to go is anywhere that she will see an animal. Horses are her favorite. She is a daddy’s girl but will only go to mommy when she is sick, hungry, or tired. She is not shy and loves to meet new people. Food is her love language and will do anything for cheese and fruit snacks, but who wouldn’t? She always wakes up hangry. Lucy has 11 cousins and counting and she loves to be around them or talk to them on FaceTime. We feel incredibly blessed to be able to be Lucy’s parents and have the opportunity raise her.

 

We have thought and prayed long and hard about our decision to adopt. We know that growing our family through adoption is right for our family. We understand that adoption is hard, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. We have always been able to love big and we will continue to educate ourselves so we can be able to help our children through the hard stuff and be theirs biggest advocates. We know that we can provide a stable and loving home for a child. We are excited to be a part of this journey and always want what is best for every expecting parent and their baby that crosses our path. Thank you for taking the time to get to know us a little. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to reach out.

We can be reached by email at kaitlynmotes@gmail.com or feel free to text/call us 435.459.0452.

You can also follow us on social media. Find us on Facebook @Motes Family Hoping to Adopt or Instagram @ourhopefuladventures.

 

Lucy Day

February 14. The day all about love. The day that Lucy girl was finally able to receive our last name.

In the adoption world this is known as our Finalization day, but we call it our Lucy day. Every state is different on how soon you can finalize your adoption. For us because we adopted in the state of Utah we had to wait at least six months since the time Lucy was in our home. Our family had to wait 10 months due to some annoying circumstances.

Time seemed to drag on while we waited for the chance to be able to finalize her adoption. We were so excited for Lucy to finally be able to share our last name. We thought this day was going to be a huge celebration.

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Then the day came. The feelings we experienced that day were unexpected. Yes, we felt peace that everything was final. We felt joy because we finally had a child that shared our last name.

And we felt immense gratitude for Lucy’s birth parents and the amazing people they are.

But then as we started thinking about Lucy’s birth parents we felt extreme sadness, loss, pain, loneliness, and guilt.

The reality of adoption once again set in.

For our family to be able to grow another family had to experience loss. A loss that most do not understand or even recognize. A very layered loss that adoptees have to grow up trying to uncover and then learn to live with.

We could feel so much loss that day. It was painful. The world seemed unfair that day. And then the guilt started to set in.

I wanted to write about this day, not to have people feel sorry for us or to tell us that Lucy is lucky to have us (because she isn’t!!!! Which I should write about sometime).

I just really wanted to share a hard truth that comes with adoption. Adoption is hard. Adoption is loss. Yes adoption is beautiful when you are looking in from my family’s perspective, but it is oftentimes more bittersweet than sweet. Adoption affects 3 sides. Adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents.

We definitely don’t look at February 14 as a day to celebrate Lucy’s finalization. It isn’t a day we make a huge deal about either. We do however focus on what the Holiday is all about, love. That is why we call it our Lucy day. We make that day all about her. We do what she wants to do, eat what she wants to eat, and love her through anything she may be experiencing. We honor her birth families by talking about them and showing her pictures of them. Telling her about them and the reasons why Shane and I love them and how much they love her. We talk about her birth and the miracle and blessing she is to all. We explain that is was a wonderful day but a hard one. We try to create a space that is safe and for her to feel whatever she needs to feel. Because one day she may really struggle with it.

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It is a privilege for Shane and I to be able to raise Lucy. We don’t take that lightly. We are humbled and very grateful. We LOVE our Lucy girl.

New Year’s Resolutions

I have loved seeing everyone’s New Year’s resolutions the last couple of weeks. I’m not big on setting resolutions at the New Year but I do love to set goals throughout the whole year. The last couple of years I started seeing friends give the beginning of the year a word to live by throughout the next year. Last year my word was definitely faith. My understanding of faith grew so much this last year and I believe that I was able to get through some of the trials we experienced because of my faith. Faith in God, my family, and myself.

 

This year the word I choose is SURRENDER. Specifically surrendering to God.

 

Surrender is a powerful word! I’ve been learning about this word on and off the last couple of years from a couple family members. These family members learned about surrendering through the 12 steps. Surrendering has brought so much added peace to my life.

 

Surrendering to me means to acknowledge that I need a higher power in my life. It is the process where I align my will with God’s will. It is a process where I can learn to LET GO. To let go of the things that I do not have control over. To let go of expectations. To let go of pride.

 

This year I am going to dive deep into this word. To discover for myself how I can personally surrender the things that need surrendering and to become closer to Heavenly Father and my Savior.

 

I’d love to know what your word this year is going to be! Lastly I want to share with you the serenity prayer from the 12 steps.

 

The Serenity Prayer

“God, grant us the serenity

 to accept the things we cannot change;

 courage to change the things we can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

 Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

 if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

 and supremely happy with Him

 forever in the next.

 Amen.”

Love Without Fear

Shane and I had an interesting experience last week that has been weighing on my mind. We had the opportunity to talk to another couple who struggles with infertility. They were able to have a biological child and then tried many different avenues but ended up believing their family was good with the one child they had.

They asked about our experience and so I told them how we were led to adoption. I told them what adoption means to us and how we all enjoy the blessings of open adoption. Three things then happened, that happens a lot but for some reason cut deep this time. First, they like most who are not apart of the adoption world did not understand open adoption. They did not understand why we would want Lucy’s birth families apart of our life and they expressed all the fears and insecurities that an adoptive parent may have.

Second, they told us that they admired us for “allowing” us to let Lucy’s birth family be apart of her life.

Third, they said that even though open adoption sounds nice they had a hard time believing that they would be able to love a child they adopt as their own.

Insert lots of bad words right here.

My blood started to boil. It took everything in me to not get angry. I wanted to say so many things and then just walk away.

But an important thought crossed my mind. “Not everyone is meant to adopt and that’s ok. Heck most shouldn’t. And most will never be able to understand you or your child but you can still love them well and educate when it is appropriate.”

Since it is national adoption month I want to spend a few minutes sharing my thoughts about this experience.

Adoption is freaking hard!!!! It isn’t for everyone and that is ok. It is has brought me the greatest heartache but then also some of my greatest joys. It has changed me and made me who I am. I had a ton of fears and insecurities when we first started the adoption process and to this day I still have some. I could see how open adoption might be scary. I’ve hear of a lot of reasons why adoptive parents think they can’t have some form of an open adoption. I can also think of a reason or excuse to why I should not have an open adoption or contact with my child’s birth families, but every single reason and excuse has to do with me. NOT my child.

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My child did not have a choice in being placed. She did not have a say in staying with her biological family who are good and amazing people that would have done an amazing job at raising her (but that is another subject). Others made decisions for her at a time that was most vulnerable for her. Choices were made and Shane and I were chosen to be her parents. As her parent it is my job and responsibility to do what is best for my child. Denying her an open door to her roots, to her family is not acceptable to me in any way. Remember it is not about me, it is about her.

As a parent you do your very best to give your child the best chances they have at succeeding in life. You love and accept them for who they are. You sacrifice for them. You advocate for them. You do everything you can for your children. For me to do this well for my daughter, open adoption, keeping the door open, loving her birth families well, keeping my promises is a vital responsibility for me as her mother.

It is never frowned up for a parent to love more than one child. Why then is it so hard to accept and understand that a child can love more than one father, or more than one mother. #lovewithoutfear

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Next, we don’t “allow” Lucy’s birth families to be apart of her life. When we choose to build our family through adoption we told ourselves from the beginning open adoption was the only way we would do it. We would accept and love each of our child’s birth parents and families for who they were. They would become family. And please don’t admire me for loving my child and doing what I think is best for her, that’s what any good parent would do. I’m pretty normal nothing too admirable.

Lastly and probably most importantly, DNA and biology are not required for you to be apart of our family. For you to be our child. For me to love you. Lucy is our daughter because we choose her to be. Yes, I do not know what it is like to have a biological child. But if we did I know for a fact that we would not love one child more than another because of genes and biology.

Lucy is my daughter but I do not OWN her. I do not like the word OWN. I do not think that anyone has ownership over another.

There is just so much more to life. So much love that you could experience if you only allowed your heart to open up. So much joy. If only you could love without fear.

I am eternally grateful to have been chosen to be Lucy’s mom. That is a privilege that I do not take lightly.

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Why adoption?

Shane and I get asked a lot of questions when it comes to building our family. I have to laugh at all the questions we get since it is such a personal thing and some of the questions we get asked are off the wall. Example, we have been asked if we even knew how to make a baby?

Yep. Instant eye roll please.

But…..I don’t mind. I love the questions. Now suggestions on how we should grow our family? I don’t really have patience for that. To this day, after six years of not using any form of birth control, we still get people telling us we should try this or that.  But besides that we are an open book. There are times where we may not be able to answer some things because they are not our story to tell, but we share all we can.

One of the most frequent questions we get asked is why we decided to adopt, or what led us to adoption. I wish there was one ah ha moment but for us I feel like adoption grew over time in our hearts. There wasn’t one experience or moment where we were like yep lets do that. There was a lot of prayer and researching and time that was involved. After about 2 years of trying different infertility treatments we decided to try IUI. As we were going over this process with our doctor, adoption seemed to be a daily conversation between the two us.

We looked into it and started researching. We prayed about it and felt like we needed to pursue both, adoption and IUI. Money was tight and I was an emotional mess from the drugs I had to take for IUI but we had faith that God had a plan for us. We started the adoption process and started our first round of IUI. After 3 failed rounds of IUI we had two choices. IVF or adoption. We felt a strong pull to only pursue adoption.

After our last round of IUI, guess who was born 5 months later? Yep, our Lucy girl. The light of our lives. I am so grateful we choose to only pursue adoption at that time in our lives. All of our struggles, all the pain made sense once we held Lucy in our arms for the first time.

When we felt like it was time to add to our family again it felt only natural to choose adoption once again. IVF didn’t even cross our mind. We want nothing more than to give Lucy a sibling, we know that she is going to become one amazing big sister.

Are there more children in our future? Will we choose adoption? Or IVF?

I honestly can’t answer those questions. I hope we will have more children. How they come or when they come do not matter to us. We will feel very blessed with each child we have the opportunity to raise in this life. Faith, hope, and trust in God is what we will continue to do. We will continue to keep moving forward.

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